How I Came to Fall In Love... Again (part1)

I want to share a story with you so you can get to know me a little better and get a recap of what I have been going through the past year...
As many of you know, the past couple of years have been up and down in the love department. I came out of a 14 year on-again, off-again friendship/relationship with someone who was my best friend. I really thought that was going to be it, but something just didn't feel right. No matter how much I loved him as a person and wanted to make it work, it just didnt. And something like that shouldn't be so hard, and in the end - we just couldnt be what the other needed. Leaving that relationship was the hardest thing I had to do, but one of the best decisions I came to terms with. For me and him both.

I truly had anxiety over the countless questions women ask themselves... Will I find someone again that I'm attracted to and makes me happy? Will I have to settle the next go around? Will I have to wait until I am old until the right one comes along?
I would almost have panic attacks wondering what the right thing to do was. But the moment I just let it be, and focused on myself... I was blessed with the best thing to ever happen to me.
While in my "I'm only doing the 'Me' thing" phase... I happened to meet Cody. I honestly thought about standing him up on our first date because I honestly just wasn't looking for anything and really wanted to be alone in my self loathing and self focusing. But the prompting of free pasta won me over.
What I had planned on being a quick 1-hour early-evening date turned into talking and laughing until the restaurant closed. What the heck? This guy was completely ruining my plan of selfishness. But my heart wasnt ready and he respected that. He waited while we got to know each other better and slowly grew feelings for the other. He showed me how to be a better friend, exemplified patience, and taught me and allowed me to be myself again and to just laugh at life. For the first time in a long time, I could bring up subjects without being embarassed. I could act like I was 12 at wal-mart and then a classy woman at dinner. He allowed me my versatility as a woman and as a person. And he embraced it.
He treated me with the highest regard. Respected me, listened to me, and most of all - made me laugh. Alot. This was when I began to feel that there really could be something more here.

This is the first part of my love-life recap! Hope you guys come back for tomorrow's part 2!!

Trials

So.... Here's the deal lately. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a bad blogger, for only writing about the superficial lately, for not putting my true self out there. The thing is, everyone has a certain angle with what they write about to complete how they want to portray their blog.
When I started this blog, I told myself I would write about life, put my whole self out there - especially the bad. I would be real and genuine because this was the one place I could put my true self out there. I wanted that to be my angle. It's funny how its easier to tell a stranger the deeper parts of yourself.
But for some reason I lost sight of that, and I'm sorry. For those of you who enjoy the simple, everyday Pinterest pictures and fashion ideas, this might not be the go to place to always get that. Yes, occasionally I will submit those posts as I enjoy them as the next person, but I want/ need to start getting real again.

Life isn't perfect. We can portray it as such, and there are wonderful moments in time where it is, but it doesn't always last. I graduated with a Business Degree in December 2010. Landed and AMAZING first job with an IT company as a consultant for the CDC... as in Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Talk about a lucky break. I prided myself in telling people I was a consultant for the CDC and loved to watch their reaction of impressed, raised eyebrows and "Good for you, wow"s. I loved that my parents bragged about their daughter with the big job right out of college who made lots of money... Well here's the reality.

Due to my lack of due diligence and watchful eye, there was a problem with my health insurance. Last November, as many of you might remember, I had a crazy, awful knee injury that included ambulance and hospital. I am fine today but my bank account is not. It's funny how one little thing can set you back financially for years. Overall, it was about $6,000. And I'm still paying it off. I had 3 weeks until I would have been fully covered again, but the damage was done.

Today, with my company being consultants for the Government - we have to re-bid on our contracts after a certain time period has passed. After re-bidding, losing out to another company, protesting the loss of the award, and being denied again due to political agendas and peer-favoritism, our company is at a stand still with CDC consultants. So in short? I am forced to look for a new job.

Gratefully, I have some time until I am technically "laid-off" and I am blessed with an amazing mentor who has been looking out for me since day one. But the process is stressful and downright makes me dizzy and sick to my stomach. I stress over becoming a statistic of today's economy.

With this, I find myself mad, angry and stressed. But in these moments I have to remind myself. I do not live to work. I work to live. And this is but a small trial and I will get through this. I can let this experience make me bitter, mean, and hardened, or I can learn from it and let it make me a stronger and wiser woman. I am choosing the latter as hard as it is.

And lastly, I am dealing with the loss of a relationship, a first love and a best friend. We do not talk, and each day is hard. I know this is for the best right now and feel in my heart that our paths are not meant to be parallel right now. Our roads came to a point where we both needed to take separate paths and become who we were meant to be. The hardest part is not the romantic loss, but the loss of your confidant, your best friend, your equal, and the person who was by your side for the greater portion of your life and upbringing. But I know with all my heart that its for the best right now.

So there you have it, my life is not perfect. I have good days and bad days. But I am happy, even with this. And this too shall pass.

Coloring My Life

I have been such a bad blogger. I apologize. Well to explain, I started a new position with my job! I am gaining a ton of experience but have had a huge learning curve... And last week it was all put to the test. What am I doing? Bore Factor: I am now, along with a lot of my past responsibilities, a Technical Writer helping in the development and writing for Government Proposals for our consulting firm. Ugh. Last week was a blur with work til 3 am and sleeping on my kitchen table. It wasn't pretty. Drool is meant for the pillow.

But This weekend I got to participate in Atlanta's COLOR RUN! Stay tuned for some awesomeness. I had SUCH a blast. Easter weekend was amazing minus and Meniere's episode :( . Well I also DID MY FIRST "RACE" since my Knee Injury and granted it wasnt my best performance, but I still had a blast. See? Oh and it also died my hair PINK so I am rocking the Avril Lavigne look this week. Be jealous, I'm totally professional at work now.

Yah, some awesome awesomeness. Easter was also pretty wonderful - I was able to spend it with some amazing family and loved ones and be reminded from my incredible Father's Easter talk that the knowledge we have of God and his teachings is "Good News" and no matter what trial or hardship we are going through in life, we have the Lord and His "Good News" and our pain can be mitigated through the atonement of our Savior. I hope you all had a happy and bright Easter weekend and were reminded of its true meaning. Through the atonement and sacrifice of our Savior, we can all return to the Lord's Kingdom. 

Getting Personal

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SO I have been thinking. A lot of the time I share general stuff on this little blog here and occasionally I share some personal stuff. It was nice to get real on my Vlog last week and give you some one on one time into more about myself with questions you had asked. But I want to be able to open up and share my life, sometimes its just a little scary.

So right now, there has been A LOT weighing on me in certain areas of life. Mainly: Relationships. Sigh, I know many of you have stopped reading here. But if you're still here, I would love some words of encouragement.
So here's the deal - and I hate this. But I do not want to be in a relationship right now. Period. Point blank. I'm not ready. I firmly believe and feel that:
1. You can not truly make a significant other happy unless you, yourself are happy.
2. You need to learn who you are first prior to finding an identity in a relationship.
3. It is essential in life to have a "you" phase prior to settling down, *if given the opportunity.

I feel like am already a go with 1 and 2. This is the first time in my post-adolescent, adult life that I am comfortable with who I am, and I am learning how to be happy even when not in a full-on relationship (Its still an on going process)
But here's the other deal. I have pretty much ALWAYS had a guy in my life in some way, shape, or form since I was 15... This is the first time in my adult life that I have truly had the opportunity to focus on MYSELF.
I am the type of person that when I am in a relationship, I give my whole self to that person. I will always put that person's will and well being above my own. And that's how I am always going to be. And when I get married and start having children.. Game over... I will NEVER put myself first ever again.
With that, this is the first and last time in my life that I will EVER have the opportunity to selfishly and un-guiltily put myself first. Shouldn't I be able to give that opportunity to myself? But for some reason, I feel like a horrible person doing it.

I have seen and witnessed first hand what its like when parents live their lives without ever having put themselves first - *** Please let me acknowledge, some people or parents do not have this choice, and some people choose unselfishly to not take this road. And yes, in many instances they are still an INCREDIBLE parent - I am grateful and in admiration of these people.
But also, that being said, I feel like if we have the opportunity, if given, to have a period in our lives where we only focus on ourselves, we should take it. In the other non-rare instances I have witnessed, I feel like those I have seen are better parents, more patient, more giving, and once again - more patient-when they have had periods in their life to mainly focus on themselves.
I feel like not a lot of people realize this, and that's why there are a lot of lazy parents out there and an over abundance in lack of respect and human regard. More and more I see selfish children and selfish parents which rear a new generation of un-respectable people. Harsh, but this is how I feel, and I apologize if this offends.



I want to be the best wife, mother, friend, and servant that I can be. And for me- personally - I feel like taking this given opportunity to fully focus on myself is what will make me a better person in the future. Should I feel guilty about this? Because I don't want to, but sometimes I do. And it weighs heavy on my heart, and I know that this choice can hurt others, which makes me second guess. I'm at a crossroads and don't know how to proceed.

According To My Phone & Some Ramblings

So here we have a classic case of the phone picture dump. Here is what my life looks like according to Mr. Droid. I must say, it's quite comical. So have at it and enjoy my good friends.





What exactly have I been up to you ask? Well let me tell you:
1. Brad and I's friendship in its entirety
2. Some AMAZING Mexican food
3. Kristie and Lauren make two hilarious friends
4. Chik-Fil-A is a life necessity - I believe so anyways
5. Awkward. Buffalo.
6. Brothers singing in Primary for Church

Part Dos. (Sp?)
1. NYE Outfit! Loved. (Stolen from my new roomie's closet) Oh yah, I have a roomie now!
2. Reached 100 Followers! YES! Yall are AMAZING! Giveaway Soon.
3. Me and Timara in 60 years. Okay... maybe 50
4. Decided to actually get ready for work
5. New Nail Polish. In Love. (Last part said 5 octaves higher)
6. And NYE again.

So this is just a little of what life has been for Miss Lindsay Nicole. There actually is a WHOLE lot more but I'll get to that eventually. On a side note, the New Year has proved quite trying. I am not too sure 2012 is going to be my year. BUT... I am staying optimistic. Optimistic People...... Deep Breath.
Moving on. Work has been pretty crazy lately... Long story short... Looks like I might have to look for a new job due to Gov't... Contracts.... Proposals won... blah blah blah... Please pray for me!

Love Life you ask? Um.... No idea. I have issues. Like bad. "Macgyver couldn't fix the shit going on in my head". Anyone..Anyone? I just feel NUMB and need to stop overthinking things. Thing is though, I love doing the whole ME thing right now. So though currently I am dating myself, (I make an awesome relationship partner) there might be a pretty awesome guy around. Time will tell.
The Knee... MRI next week! OFF crutches. OUT of a knee brace. Walking semi-regularly. BOOM!
Family? Brothers are hilarious as ever! I will end with the best conversation ever.

Me: I can't believe how big the boys are getting. Ugh... I wish they would stay this way forever
Mom: I know. It seems like just yesterday Tanner was three. Tanner, do you remember when you were three?
Tanner (age 5): Yeah.... Those were good times.

Happy Tuesday :)

Today I need to Vent.

I am trying to keep my cool and trying to contain my composure. I really wish I could divulge more of whats been going on but proper human ethics prohibit me to. Today I am tired, frustrated, and downright livid.

I am tired of having to play a game of politics in every day life. I am sick of having to strategically think through every action like a speed game of chess. I am sick of being thrown underneath the bus to look bad in order meet someone's political agenda and end game so they can look good. I am not good at this so called game hardened men play.
I have always prided myself on being a hard worker. Ask anyone I went to school with. I worked my ass off in college to get to where I am today. Not once did I have a college summer experience because I was working, selling and knocking door to door to pay for school and my end.

I am honest, I own up to my mistakes, I will always go out of my way for you, maybe I am naive.

I am smart, I can and will do anything I set my mind to, I will succeed according to my own standards and not yours, and I will maintain my respect- dignity-and class through it all.

I will be who I want to be, and not who you think I should be.

Today I needed to vent about how disappointed I am. How it angers me that I have lost my trust and respect in some people. How it makes me sick to my stomach that you have drug my name through the mud. You made your move. I am sorry that my niceness and sincerity came across as a weakness. Let me please correct you, it is a sign of character. With that, I wish you the best. You may continue to burn your bridges while I build mine. In the end, I will take my respect while you take your pride. And when it is all said and done, I will still stand.


Via

An Update with Pictures

I have a tendency to think that my life is pretty boring. That is until I look at it from a picture standpoint and realize that I acutally do have a lot of fun. This week was no exception. So here is a little recap in the life of Lindsay.

Every year the family gets together to decorate the Christmas tree. We turn off the Christmas lights and blast the Christmas music. Mom hands each kid an ornament especially for the kid to hang. We toast to Egg Nog or "Noggin" as my brother calls it as we light up the tree with all the decorations. We listen to a special Christmas devotional and bask in the decorations our Awesome mother has set out for the year.




A little bit of therapy organizing which is always good for the soul


An incredible night and dinner with pretty awesome company with a side of not taking yourself too seriously and just having fun.


It is so easy for me to get caught up in my monotonous schedule of drive-work-drive-dinner-sleep. But when I take a step back I am able to see all the awesomeness in between. I feel like lately I have been living in the "I'll be happy when" stage and I kick myself for doing it! So I am challenging you and myself to take a little advice from rule 36 in Zombieland.

"Enjoy the Little Things"

Music Monday - Sia

Happy Monday Everyone! Welcome back to reality. Today's Music Monday post will be short and sweet.

This is one song that I have not been able to get out of my head. Breathe Me by SIA. One thing that helps me pass the time or get away from everyday life is to just listen to some good music, daydream, and escape. This song is one of my escapes.
Sia has an edgy, clear, and powerful voice that hits the right nerves everytime. Seriously, to me her voice is mesmerizing.
This Austrailian artist has a real jazz feel to her. Her eccentric style and tastes always keeps her image fresh and unique too. I like how she hasn't conformed to the norm.







I remember trying to deal with life when I used to live in Idaho. At my worst moments I would take a long drive through the farms and mountains where nothing and no one were visible as far as the eye could see. I would play this song along with others that would calm me down. You can really conform your hardships to this song - It can be interpreted in so many ways. After hours of an escape, I would come back and able to deal with life quietly and tastefully.

When no one understands you, music can.

Finally Friday

So... Can I please just start off by saying thanks to everyone for all the comments on yesterday's post?? You guys are perfectly awesome. They made my entire day and now I feel fearless.

Oh and may I please share with you an embarassing story that happened yesterday? Please??... Okay thanks... Here it is. (Oh and if you don't have time to read this little story which sums up my life.. skip to the next half for some good stuff)

Right as I was leaving work, the sky-with its laughing senese of humor - decided to start pouring down rain. Naturally I was having the best hair day prior to this prank. Of course, my car was parked on the 7th floor of the furthest parking deck and the elevators of the parking deck were FREEZING. Seriously... think ice box. All I can do is think about getting in my car and blasting the heat.
Level 5, 6, 6 1/2..... eerkjoaidjoigj;a. The elevator stops. And despite all my efforts of button pushings, "C'MON!!!", and scoffs, I was stuck.
Luckily there was a little call button in the elevator... "Hello.. Yes.. Im stuck... this is where I am.... yes that parking deck.. yes this elevator number...um hello?".... Click.
Call again.... same thing.
Call again.... same thing.

Now im starting to lose it. Finally I call again and demanded that I be saved. "Is this going to take a while?"... "Yup".. "great".... to finish up this lovely story... the maintenance people finally come to my rescue and set me free. Awkward. Thank you rescue people.. you rescued me well...and control line people... were you really just messing with me? Story of my life.

Waiting, waiting, and waiting...


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Okay moving on.... Time for some needed words of advice (from you) and some good news. I am continually playing with the look of this beloved blog and want to know what everyone likes best for aesthetic purposes. I would love your advice, your tips and tricks, or what you would like to see more of. Be harsh, be honest... Im ready for it

And there is a rumor going around that once the number of 50 followers is reached... there will be a GIVEAWAY. With that... I want to know what giveaways you all are interested in... I can be pretty giving.

Happy Friday


Blazer-Papaya $21, Shirt -Papaya $13