Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Trials

So.... Here's the deal lately. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a bad blogger, for only writing about the superficial lately, for not putting my true self out there. The thing is, everyone has a certain angle with what they write about to complete how they want to portray their blog.
When I started this blog, I told myself I would write about life, put my whole self out there - especially the bad. I would be real and genuine because this was the one place I could put my true self out there. I wanted that to be my angle. It's funny how its easier to tell a stranger the deeper parts of yourself.
But for some reason I lost sight of that, and I'm sorry. For those of you who enjoy the simple, everyday Pinterest pictures and fashion ideas, this might not be the go to place to always get that. Yes, occasionally I will submit those posts as I enjoy them as the next person, but I want/ need to start getting real again.

Life isn't perfect. We can portray it as such, and there are wonderful moments in time where it is, but it doesn't always last. I graduated with a Business Degree in December 2010. Landed and AMAZING first job with an IT company as a consultant for the CDC... as in Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Talk about a lucky break. I prided myself in telling people I was a consultant for the CDC and loved to watch their reaction of impressed, raised eyebrows and "Good for you, wow"s. I loved that my parents bragged about their daughter with the big job right out of college who made lots of money... Well here's the reality.

Due to my lack of due diligence and watchful eye, there was a problem with my health insurance. Last November, as many of you might remember, I had a crazy, awful knee injury that included ambulance and hospital. I am fine today but my bank account is not. It's funny how one little thing can set you back financially for years. Overall, it was about $6,000. And I'm still paying it off. I had 3 weeks until I would have been fully covered again, but the damage was done.

Today, with my company being consultants for the Government - we have to re-bid on our contracts after a certain time period has passed. After re-bidding, losing out to another company, protesting the loss of the award, and being denied again due to political agendas and peer-favoritism, our company is at a stand still with CDC consultants. So in short? I am forced to look for a new job.

Gratefully, I have some time until I am technically "laid-off" and I am blessed with an amazing mentor who has been looking out for me since day one. But the process is stressful and downright makes me dizzy and sick to my stomach. I stress over becoming a statistic of today's economy.

With this, I find myself mad, angry and stressed. But in these moments I have to remind myself. I do not live to work. I work to live. And this is but a small trial and I will get through this. I can let this experience make me bitter, mean, and hardened, or I can learn from it and let it make me a stronger and wiser woman. I am choosing the latter as hard as it is.

And lastly, I am dealing with the loss of a relationship, a first love and a best friend. We do not talk, and each day is hard. I know this is for the best right now and feel in my heart that our paths are not meant to be parallel right now. Our roads came to a point where we both needed to take separate paths and become who we were meant to be. The hardest part is not the romantic loss, but the loss of your confidant, your best friend, your equal, and the person who was by your side for the greater portion of your life and upbringing. But I know with all my heart that its for the best right now.

So there you have it, my life is not perfect. I have good days and bad days. But I am happy, even with this. And this too shall pass.

305520_3667225836179_1140806814_33574926_1477710995_n

12 comments:

Amira said...

Ugh hang in there girly! A quote I've always loved is "Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together."

Xo.

Bethany Scruggs said...

I am SO glad you posted this. Don't you feel better? I did the same - or similiar. To be honest, if I see a pinterest post or something of that sort I skip over it. I enjoying reading blogs .. not lookin at them, ya know? I want to see pictures of the person and hear about their weekend and their thoughts and dreams. I am SO grateful for your blog and thoughts. I am praying for you and your job - I know exactly what that is like. :)

Mrs.HappySteak said...

It's tough to put yourself out there like that stranger or not. I wish you luck in your current job hunt, and say that I love your outlook. We can never find bigger and better things if we stay in the same place forever.

CottonCandyINK said...

oh hun, your not a bad blogger, your not a bad anything. hang in there i have a great post for you today, visit my blog and cheer up!

Whitney said...

Even though the subject matter isn't always the happiest, I love posts where bloggers get in touch with themselves on a person level. I hope that you'll keep us updated with your job search and I can't wait to hear about everything. I really believe that everything happens for a reason, even if it IS a cliche. You'll come from this better than you were before. And remember, we are always here to listen!

Brittany said...

Sounds so stressful. You will make it through though and find a great job. It may not be right away but everything will work out :) And I love reading blogs that have substance to them. They are my fave

Kelle said...

Thank you for your honesty. I love your blog and the door you have opened to allow us, as readers, to learn who you are. It is refreshingly REAL.

I completely understand the unemployment pool. I just barely struggled out of it myself. The nice thing is you are incredibly talented. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you!

ashleynicole said...

I think it's so good to write it out, it makes me feel stronger..and empowered, in a way.
Hang in there, it'll all work out how it needs to!

Nikki said...

Props to you for being real and telling it how it really is! Life is hard, it's not always easy and I always appreciate reading a blogger's true point of view. Good luck to you, with that great attitude you will surely succeed!

Fash Boulevard said...

wishing you nothing but the best. Good things are always just around the corner. xo

J and A said...

I just know great things are to come. Such a strong post and I bet it feels better after you write it hey.. Hang in there girl. Big hugs.

Charlotte said...

That is awesome for you to put that out there and express your feelings. I go through periods where I vent and complain on my blog about living so far from home and not liking my job and not having many friends here, so then I try to counteract it with things I am doing- making crafts, trying recipes, DIY projects, weekend trips to try to let people know I am not a downer! You are awesome for what you are doing. Wouldn't it be so great if life was SO simple! Ah. My advice to you about looking for a new job is working with a recruiter (I'm one thats why I say that), especially if you are in IT. There are tons of IT recruiters out there that I am sure would be thrilled to get their hands on you! And the guy situation- I am so sorry. No one deserves to go through a breakup like that. I went through one (a few times) and it always was awful. But that perfect man will come around when you least expect it!! Good luck with everything! Always here for a good vent sesh, girl! xo

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...