Tuesday, March 13, 2012
SO I have been thinking. A lot of the time I share general stuff on this little blog here and occasionally I share some personal stuff. It was nice to get real on my Vlog last week and give you some one on one time into more about myself with questions you had asked. But I want to be able to open up and share my life, sometimes its just a little scary.
So right now, there has been A LOT weighing on me in certain areas of life. Mainly: Relationships. Sigh, I know many of you have stopped reading here. But if you're still here, I would love some words of encouragement.
So here's the deal - and I hate this. But I do not want to be in a relationship right now. Period. Point blank. I'm not ready. I firmly believe and feel that:
1. You can not truly make a significant other happy unless you, yourself are happy.
2. You need to learn who you are first prior to finding an identity in a relationship.
3. It is essential in life to have a "you" phase prior to settling down, *if given the opportunity.
I feel like am already a go with 1 and 2. This is the first time in my post-adolescent, adult life that I am comfortable with who I am, and I am learning how to be happy even when not in a full-on relationship (Its still an on going process)
But here's the other deal. I have pretty much ALWAYS had a guy in my life in some way, shape, or form since I was 15... This is the first time in my adult life that I have truly had the opportunity to focus on MYSELF.
I am the type of person that when I am in a relationship, I give my whole self to that person. I will always put that person's will and well being above my own. And that's how I am always going to be. And when I get married and start having children.. Game over... I will NEVER put myself first ever again.
With that, this is the first and last time in my life that I will EVER have the opportunity to selfishly and un-guiltily put myself first. Shouldn't I be able to give that opportunity to myself? But for some reason, I feel like a horrible person doing it.
I have seen and witnessed first hand what its like when parents live their lives without ever having put themselves first - *** Please let me acknowledge, some people or parents do not have this choice, and some people choose unselfishly to not take this road. And yes, in many instances they are still an INCREDIBLE parent - I am grateful and in admiration of these people.
But also, that being said, I feel like if we have the opportunity, if given, to have a period in our lives where we only focus on ourselves, we should take it. In the other non-rare instances I have witnessed, I feel like those I have seen are better parents, more patient, more giving, and once again - more patient-when they have had periods in their life to mainly focus on themselves.
I feel like not a lot of people realize this, and that's why there are a lot of lazy parents out there and an over abundance in lack of respect and human regard. More and more I see selfish children and selfish parents which rear a new generation of un-respectable people. Harsh, but this is how I feel, and I apologize if this offends.
I want to be the best wife, mother, friend, and servant that I can be. And for me- personally - I feel like taking this given opportunity to fully focus on myself is what will make me a better person in the future. Should I feel guilty about this? Because I don't want to, but sometimes I do. And it weighs heavy on my heart, and I know that this choice can hurt others, which makes me second guess. I'm at a crossroads and don't know how to proceed.