Thursday, June 28, 2012

Honest Writing - We are Phoenixes & A Good-Bye

I wrote this a few weeks ago in a complete writer vent... And this is how it came out. I truly hope you take the time to read as it is one of the most honest things I have ever sat down to write.

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How do you say good bye, when you never got the chance? How do you face that glaring truth in your eyes you keep trying to shield... and come to terms with yourself that it is just over, done with, and is the end? When you spent half a lifetime and something great with someone - it is sometimes just too hard to face reality that this part of your life is over and its time to start a new chapter without them in it. It is earth shattering and gut wrenching when you let yourself think about the truth you keep trying to ignore. Even 10 seconds with that truth in your mind is too much to bear.  You justify and dismiss.

But there comes a time when its over and you dont even know how it got to that. You run away from it so quickly because its easier than thinking through and reflecting on. The pain that begins to seep in is just too much for you right now. You keep yourself busy, try as hard as you can to focus on yourself,  but you always think... "what if?"... What if I stuck it out longer... Would things have changed? Would they have worked? Would I have changed, would he, or she? The truth, as sad as it is to admit... is  that as it may have worked... you would have known deep down that neither of you would have changed to be what the other wanted or needed, no matter how hard you made yourself believe they were what you thought you wanted and needed.
And I mean fully wanted and needed, and not just partially. The real truth is, is that we find something absolutely great and rare with few people in this world. We find something wholely right with even fewer of those, and if so - we are the lucky ones. We hold onto those parts of that person that we so madly love, no matter how destructive the rest of them can be to us. It isnt that the person is destructive as who they are - though, for some they may be and I hurt for you - it is that it is destructive to hold onto someone you love when you know that someone else could give them better and love them better. But it is our pride in the false knowledge that we are the best they will have that hold us and them back from the true happiness that each deserve. And for that, I will forever be sorry and can never make up for. I, as most of us, want to be the best for anyone - for everyone. But another truth, so hard to face, is that you cant and wont be. To the few you are perfect for, that is enough... And to come to the knowledge and at peace with that is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. 

These are the moments in life when you are gasping for breath while still living. As time passes, you will learn to breathe. you will begin to slowly regenerate the broken off pieces of yourself that once faded into ash. That is one of the beautiful things of this life... Regeneration and growth. It is something immeasurable by science and man and can only be felt on a personal, spiritual level.. even to those who have no faith in a diety or God.

What I am trying to say, is that that person who was torn and broken down will never be made whole again. You will never be complete after that. You wont be complete as that same person because you evolve as a completely new being. It is not something you miraculously witness in an instant. It is slow and can pass you by. It might sound as a cliche but that is why I love the myth of the phoenix. rebirth from the ashes. That is what mankind is after loss, tragedy, hurt. We have the ability to become phoenixes. Do not stay in the ashes in self pity and sorrow. Be what you were meant to be and become new again, for you will never be whole as you were.

If we can come to accept this too, that we are always meant to be changing, I believe that we can accomplish the one thing we are deeply afraid of reaching becuase most of us dont beleive it to be true. We can be truely and genuinely happy. We grow, we sustain, we fall apart, but we rebuild and rise again.

In all, I am trying to say that it has taken me 23 years to even begin to realize this. I am still working on becoming at peace with this. I am also sorry. I loved you so much and loved you with my whole self, but I found that I was still unable to give you everything. And for that I am sorry as I wish I could have. You are truely a remarkable person. You were my best friend. You have so much to offer and I wish I could have been the one to be on the receiving end for an eternity. But I am still facing that I am not her. And to whom you do find, I might secretly be jealous though I will have found the one to share my life with as well. It is human nature and is true what they say... "You will always 'have love' for your first love and never forget them". I couldnt forget if you if I tried. You taught me love and help me perfect it. through trial and error. and in return, I hope I did so as well.
You are beautiful, you are wonderful, And I will always miss you because you were once a part of me and were once what made me whole. I hope and pray that as time passes, you can think back on me and smile after the hurt has faded as much as it ever will and I will try always to do the same.

So with that, good-bye. This is the only way I know how to say it now, at this moment. I needed to get this off of my heart, get these words off of my tongue and lips. I know I have to always love myself to do the right thing, and with that I will always love what made me "me" and whole at parts of my life. So I will always love you as you made me who I am and I will be forever grateful to you.

We are Phoenixes and are meant to rise out of the ashes of our sorrow, pain, and loss. It's not the masterpiece that is beautiful, it is the transformation.


  In_from_the_storm_by_LutherBash

3 comments:

Anna said...

I love those times when I can just sit down and let my thoughts flow! This is so well written and honest - I love it!

I am sorry you've been struggling, but happy to see that you've had a sort of epiphany. And a great one, at that.

The Management said...

I love when writing it all out makes things a little clearer. I can relate to a lot of what you've written here- I'll never forget that person, either.

Katie Mac said...

Wonderfully written, and so very true!

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