Honest Writing - We are Phoenixes & A Good-Bye

I wrote this a few weeks ago in a complete writer vent... And this is how it came out. I truly hope you take the time to read as it is one of the most honest things I have ever sat down to write.

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How do you say good bye, when you never got the chance? How do you face that glaring truth in your eyes you keep trying to shield... and come to terms with yourself that it is just over, done with, and is the end? When you spent half a lifetime and something great with someone - it is sometimes just too hard to face reality that this part of your life is over and its time to start a new chapter without them in it. It is earth shattering and gut wrenching when you let yourself think about the truth you keep trying to ignore. Even 10 seconds with that truth in your mind is too much to bear.  You justify and dismiss.

But there comes a time when its over and you dont even know how it got to that. You run away from it so quickly because its easier than thinking through and reflecting on. The pain that begins to seep in is just too much for you right now. You keep yourself busy, try as hard as you can to focus on yourself,  but you always think... "what if?"... What if I stuck it out longer... Would things have changed? Would they have worked? Would I have changed, would he, or she? The truth, as sad as it is to admit... is  that as it may have worked... you would have known deep down that neither of you would have changed to be what the other wanted or needed, no matter how hard you made yourself believe they were what you thought you wanted and needed.
And I mean fully wanted and needed, and not just partially. The real truth is, is that we find something absolutely great and rare with few people in this world. We find something wholely right with even fewer of those, and if so - we are the lucky ones. We hold onto those parts of that person that we so madly love, no matter how destructive the rest of them can be to us. It isnt that the person is destructive as who they are - though, for some they may be and I hurt for you - it is that it is destructive to hold onto someone you love when you know that someone else could give them better and love them better. But it is our pride in the false knowledge that we are the best they will have that hold us and them back from the true happiness that each deserve. And for that, I will forever be sorry and can never make up for. I, as most of us, want to be the best for anyone - for everyone. But another truth, so hard to face, is that you cant and wont be. To the few you are perfect for, that is enough... And to come to the knowledge and at peace with that is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. 

These are the moments in life when you are gasping for breath while still living. As time passes, you will learn to breathe. you will begin to slowly regenerate the broken off pieces of yourself that once faded into ash. That is one of the beautiful things of this life... Regeneration and growth. It is something immeasurable by science and man and can only be felt on a personal, spiritual level.. even to those who have no faith in a diety or God.

What I am trying to say, is that that person who was torn and broken down will never be made whole again. You will never be complete after that. You wont be complete as that same person because you evolve as a completely new being. It is not something you miraculously witness in an instant. It is slow and can pass you by. It might sound as a cliche but that is why I love the myth of the phoenix. rebirth from the ashes. That is what mankind is after loss, tragedy, hurt. We have the ability to become phoenixes. Do not stay in the ashes in self pity and sorrow. Be what you were meant to be and become new again, for you will never be whole as you were.

If we can come to accept this too, that we are always meant to be changing, I believe that we can accomplish the one thing we are deeply afraid of reaching becuase most of us dont beleive it to be true. We can be truely and genuinely happy. We grow, we sustain, we fall apart, but we rebuild and rise again.

In all, I am trying to say that it has taken me 23 years to even begin to realize this. I am still working on becoming at peace with this. I am also sorry. I loved you so much and loved you with my whole self, but I found that I was still unable to give you everything. And for that I am sorry as I wish I could have. You are truely a remarkable person. You were my best friend. You have so much to offer and I wish I could have been the one to be on the receiving end for an eternity. But I am still facing that I am not her. And to whom you do find, I might secretly be jealous though I will have found the one to share my life with as well. It is human nature and is true what they say... "You will always 'have love' for your first love and never forget them". I couldnt forget if you if I tried. You taught me love and help me perfect it. through trial and error. and in return, I hope I did so as well.
You are beautiful, you are wonderful, And I will always miss you because you were once a part of me and were once what made me whole. I hope and pray that as time passes, you can think back on me and smile after the hurt has faded as much as it ever will and I will try always to do the same.

So with that, good-bye. This is the only way I know how to say it now, at this moment. I needed to get this off of my heart, get these words off of my tongue and lips. I know I have to always love myself to do the right thing, and with that I will always love what made me "me" and whole at parts of my life. So I will always love you as you made me who I am and I will be forever grateful to you.

We are Phoenixes and are meant to rise out of the ashes of our sorrow, pain, and loss. It's not the masterpiece that is beautiful, it is the transformation.

 

source

Dream Boards

I remember during summer's off from College, I used to sell pest control door to door. Little known fact about me, yes I did door to door sales and yes, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. But to keep myself motivated, I would create Dream Boards to display wishful thinking dreams of my future. Here are some of my dreamboards today to help keep my sanity. Enjoy













All pictures Via Pinterest

Have Fun With This One

Itssssssss..... THURSDAY... I just said that in my mind like the Price is Right guy would from the low to the high voice. Speaking of Price is Right (Funny story, this wasn't planned - literally just came to me as I wrote this) Check out this Sa-Weet little story board of my mom in the 80's.



She won a car. A-Ha-Some. O and you're welcome - She's going to KILL me now. But I think this is a pretty good intro to an Awkward and Awesome post right? So without further adieu...

Awkward:
-My mom refusing to share this tape (literally hid it from her husband) only to have her whole family make us watch it Christmas day. I'm liking the parachute pants, 80's hair, and socks with flats. Mother has it goin on.
-Forgetting the name of the neighbour you talk to EVERY DAY while introducing your new roommate. Sorry guy!
-My Christmas tree is still up? Got a definite "crazy lady" look from the maintenance man
-Thinking I looked pretty good today for work only to have the first thing said to me... "How are you feeling? You look kind of... Well... Ehh" Ya... As I so awesomely tweeted here
-Forgetting how to do simple math in front of people. Went something like "well 9 goes in 36 eight times".. It doesn't, its 4. I'm pretty sure? Yes, just checked on my calculator.  (real time updates on this blog)
-Running into people from high school you don't want to see. Still awkward EVERY time though it happens often.
-Pants paranoia during lady time of the month. Let's be real here

On to the next part:



Awesome:
-Getting this bad boy for Christmas and breaking him out at E-ver-ry opportunity.
-Getting to work from home a couple days each week.
-Asking YOU this important question.. ha ha... Should I go back blonde, go a little lighter.. or stay dark for my next hair appointment? Need the help ladies
-Having faith in God that everything will work out even though inside I'm freaking out like a rabid squirrel
-Starting and sticking to my "Healthy Eating" goal this week. I can already tell a huge difference.
-Losing 2.3 lbs
- Got a tripod for badboy above. Thinking of keeping his name BadBoy or changing it to BA- Bad Ass. I name my loved items. To me, they have feelings (Re-insert line into awkward)
-One more day 'til da weekend.... C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!!
-Getting better at this whole walking thing


There you have it lovelies! Hope you have a splendid day!

Here are some 2012 Resolutions For Ya

Okay, So I admit, I have already been AWFUL about following through with my 2012 goals.
Ex. The first thing I ate in 2012 was potato chips. Please judge.

But I am just going to pretend that today was the start of 2012 as it was my first day back to work. So here I have documented exactly what I want to do more or change.

1.

Get Healthy physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally

2.

Get to a point where I am fully proud of my body and work hard for the body I want.

3.

Master and get better at Photography. This is something I have been wanting to do for YEARS. I just got a new camera for Christmas and finally want to master this.

4.

TRAVEL! Yes, this includes saving, but I want want want NEED to travel more and see the WORLD! This is something that will go with you everywhere

5.

Appreciate Nature and God's beautiful gifts more.

6.

Visit my beautiful goddaughter Kaiya. I love her so much and she will be 1! tomorrow. I need to be a better Aunt.

7.

Be more fashionable, trendy, and take more fashion risks.

8.

Give myself a dream bedroom that I have always wanted. This will be my escape.

9.

Cook more! And eat out less.

10. Manage my money and finances more efficiently!


These are my ten goals and resolutions for 2012. They have officially been documented. I once learned that the first step to a goal is to write it down. This way you are accountable for it. A goal that goes unwritten is just an idea. An idea can easily be forgotten and holds no accountability. So here I am, gearing up for 2012. Wish me luck!

PS: Let me know FAST if you want to do a button sponsor swap for the month of January! All sponsors will be announced Friday!

Wish List

Happy Friday Loves! Hope everyone has some awesomeness planned for the weekend! I am pretty excited about mine. Today I thought I would share with you what I have been DYING hoping for all year Christmas. I was getting pretty excited making this list even though I very well knew probably none of them are possible. But we all can dream right?



1. Nikon D3100 DSLR Camera
2. Amazing camera bag. Please help me find where this is from!
3. Oakley Discreet Sunglasses
4. Brown Leather Jacket
5. Michael Kors Golden Oversized Runway Watch
6. Visa Gift Card for clothes!

I have been dreaming of each of these separately. Bye lovelies!

Feel Good During the Holidays Advice

Happy Friday Everyone!

So today I thought I would share some highly embarrassing/learned the hard way advice with a little background. Ever since I can remember, I have had a problem with fluctuating weight. On one of my parent's side, there seems to ALWAYS be an emphasis on weight, the new diet, exercising tips, and being in shape. Almost to the point where it's exhausting. All of my family pretty much looks like super models... and then there's me. Talk about rough.

When I was in high school and the beginning years of college, my weight would always sky rocket, then come down, then shoot back up again. It was embarrassing but was inevitable. I would eat like every meal was my last and count going to the mailbox as exercise.

Needless to say, I was developing extremely horrible habits. I began to notice that I was always moody, never had energy, and had a poor self image. I would try diet pills, meal plans like nutrisystem, and at one point would go to the gym for 2-3 hours every day.

The low point:

SO EMBARRASSING!

I came home for the holidays and my mom told me she almost didn't recognize me. This is when I started nurtrisystem, hydroxy cut, and endless workouts - all at different times. Nothing seemed to really stick. I was miserable. I began eating like crap while simultaneously working out. Every week was up and down.


The Turning Point:


See my uncle/Big Brother right above? Ya... Super model. I came home my junior year to complete an internship after I had finished my second season knocking door to door selling pest control. That summer my diet consisted of Jack-in-the-Box. Seriously... That's all I ate. I couldn't even button my jeans, I was forced to pull them up and tuck in the tabs hoping no one would notice. I felt puffy all the time and greasy. Now please mind that I am 5'1 and have a petite frame - so any weight I gain is extremely noticeable.

Problem areas: Face, stomach, thighs, upper-arms

With the help of my Aunt Peggy, I was able to start making significant lifestyle changes. Diet is nothing without moderate exercise. And most importantly, exercise is NOTHING without diet. I began finding that it was EXTREMELY easy to eat healthy, even while going out. Here are just a few tips that I adjusted to that made all the difference in the world:

-GRILLED everything. You can even eat a grilled chicken fillet by itself from McDonald's even.
-Vegetables and Fruits - these are essential
- No bananas and other fruits that are high in sugar.
-Mrs.Dash marinade, dipping sauce and seasoning. Make sure to get the NO Sodium, No sugar.
-No dipping sauce or dressings other than above. This is crucial. There is so much sugar and salt in dippings.
-I LOVED salads with lettuce, grilled chicken, cucumbers, tomatoes, and onions. Seriously, without the dressing I could taste each food item more. These are so easy to order anywhere
-Almonds as snacks instead of potato chips
-limit carb intake - all whole grains and no simple grains.

I began going to the gym 3 times a week. I would do 45 minutes of some type of cardio (run, treadmill, elliptical, stair master) and then 40-60 minutes of weights. I made sure to always try new machines (even when I had no absolute clue how they would work) and switch up my routine so I wouldn't get bored or comfortable.


Today:


If I slip up, its not the end of the world. I just make sure that I wont go into the depths after a few mess ups. Today I feel extremely comfortable with my body and weight. I still have areas that definitely need to be worked on and toned... but I feel good about how I feel, not just how I look.
So during this holiday season, It's important to remember to not just fall off the bandwagon because it's holiday time. Continue to develop good habits and actually commit to them.


Parting Advice:

It's not about being skinny. It's about being healthy

Things I Do On Morphine: Squirm Alert

Happy Thursday! If you dont have the full time to read... Please skip to the most embarssing points of the story below the pics...

As promised... I will divulge why I did not write a post on Tuesday. Many Apologies again. As some of you know, I am on a city Kickball Team - Go BallRockers!- that plays once a week against teams in our league. We have been pretty much undefeated all season and Monday was tournament time.

We had won our first game and were in the 6th inning of the second. I was covering second base and we were doing our best to hold them. Next thing I know, There is a runner coming from first, I turn to catch the ball for an easy out then jfsoidafjnsdciopsdajerao. The runner slides into second, takes me out.. then I feel it. Insert Curse word here. My knee completely shifts out of place. I dislocated me knee ccompletely out of place.

I fall to the ground and scream in pain... Grab my knee, and curl into the fetal position. So natural right? Another curse word. Never before had I felt so much pain. The thoughts of "get me drugs now!", "Put me out of my misery", and "make it stop" went through my mind over and over again.
You could immediately see how out of place it was. It looked incredible and awful at the same time. It was no bueno.

Because of how our field is positioned, we had to call an ambulance. After an eternity and yelling to the other team that we automatically win because of this, the paramedics show up. I am not going to lie, a piece of me was sad that these weren't hot men. They start looking for veins to give me the elixir of life- morphine..

Then I hear... "Are you alive? You have NO veins!"... Seriously? 30 minutes goes by on the field... I am in shock, shaking, in pain, and just want the morphine. Then I hear the dreaded words... "forget it, lets get her to the hospital".. What? Give me morphine NOW! You have been sticking me over and over again I deserve something! Finally, we get in the ambulance. The last try (after EIGHT attempts) finally works and I get the pain soldier that battles the bad stuff away. Story continued after pictures... it gets good







Can I please profess my hatred of crutches? Thanks. THEY'RE AWFUL!!!
Moving on.......So after a second dose of morphine wonderfulness... I begin singing to the entire hospital staff... Lets please note all the embarassing moments:

1. Singing "Brother for Sale" by Mary-Cate and Ashley Olsen
2. Crying! and professing my love for the Olsen Twins. Yes, crying
3. Telling the X-ray tech he looks like the scarecrow man from batman and maybe hitting on him
4. Singing Queen's Bohemian Rahpsody at the top of my lungs
5. Telling the male nurse he had major "Swag" with his Gucci glasses
6. Singing "I believe I can Fly" from Space Jam
7. Telling my dad that another boy thought my Butt looked awesome in the pants they just cut
8. Asking to be carried like a princess so that we could be like Shrek and Pheona and live as happy ogres in the forest of love
9. Free-Style rapping that went something like "My dad is trippin.. he's pimpin..."... Yah
10. Shooting invisible webs from my wrist at people because I was SpiderMan

And there you have it. Please let the sympathy pour in.

Oh Happy Day

So Apologies that I was unable to post yesterday... You will find out why in my next post. Cliffhanger - I know.
So today I am amazed by how fast time goes by. Yesterday, my youngest brother turned 5! Crazy Crazy Crazy. I can still remember when he could barely say my name and was still learning how to walk. Today he is filled with attitude and wit that still baffles me everyday.
I was 18 when he was born... old enough to pretty much be his mom. And even though I am not his mom, I can't help but have a maternal demeanor towards him. He is my little boy, the one who cheers me up with a smile, the one who has magic hugs and eskimo kisses, the one who is impossible to reason with and sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out.
Little Tanner is such a blessing in my life and brings so much happiness into my world. So for his fifth birthday, we celebrated with homemade mini pizzas, cupcakes, and some family goodness.

Happy 5th Birthday Little Man!

Ra Ra Riot

Happy November everyone. So I'm going to admit, I have been a little obsessed with stalking people's blogs and hearing what people have to say. Oh how I love the blogging community. I do enjoy reading about everyone's life, tips, recipes, mommy-hood, hubbys, kids, pets, movies & T.V shows... But one thing I rarely see is music.
So I know we all have different tastses in music, but I just had to spill about this one group that I can't get enough of. Drumroll please....

Ra Ra Riot


This group is incredible and I love their style. Not to mention they have two hott ladies who play the electric cello and electric violin. Pure awesomeness. The main singers voice can woo any person with its perfection and the overall presence of the group in its entirety is electric.





I had the chance to see them at a small venue - The Earl - in Atlanta over the Halloween weekend. Wow. I was dying the whole time. The music was incredible, the stage presence was hysterical, and the energy was unforgettable.



Hope you guys enjoy and maybe come to love this group as much as I do. Happy Wednesday.

Got a big girl job!

So I know I have been MIA and for that I am so sorry but I got to catch up on my friends blogs still so happy for all of my wonderful friends and whats going on with them! Kallie youre prego and getting a new apt! Lindsay happy one year! Ashley congrats on EVERYTHING lol and Brit youre beautiful and i love ya, Bridge love your adventures, Brandilyn you have the best style.. those are just the ones fresh in my head ah!

But.. I GOT A JOB!!!!! 1 1/2 weeks after graduation!

***This has actually been my 3rd week I have just been so busy! I am now a Financial and Budget Analyst for Unisys Corporation- Federal Sector. My client is the CDC where I work!! My division is the Division of Library Sciences and Services-DLSS within the Epidemiology and Analysis Program Offices-EAPO- Within the Office of Surveillance, Epidemiology and Laboratory Services- OSELS. Whew yeah try saying that on an office voicemail. not fun.

It has been a HUGE challenge but such an incredible experience thus far. I am so blessed to have such an AMAZING job right out of college. I get to work at the Beautiful CDC and the campus is gorgeous! I love the people I get to work with and I get to learn every day. Its so incredible being able to be apart of a cause for an organization that does so much! What we do directly affects Congress, the President, and the nation which is so amazing. But I'm loving it! Its a crazy learning curve but I enjoy what I do.. And now comes apartment hunting!!!

Also... Steelers suck... so glad they lost :)