Thursday, June 28, 2012

Honest Writing - We are Phoenixes & A Good-Bye

I wrote this a few weeks ago in a complete writer vent... And this is how it came out. I truly hope you take the time to read as it is one of the most honest things I have ever sat down to write.

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How do you say good bye, when you never got the chance? How do you face that glaring truth in your eyes you keep trying to shield... and come to terms with yourself that it is just over, done with, and is the end? When you spent half a lifetime and something great with someone - it is sometimes just too hard to face reality that this part of your life is over and its time to start a new chapter without them in it. It is earth shattering and gut wrenching when you let yourself think about the truth you keep trying to ignore. Even 10 seconds with that truth in your mind is too much to bear.  You justify and dismiss.

But there comes a time when its over and you dont even know how it got to that. You run away from it so quickly because its easier than thinking through and reflecting on. The pain that begins to seep in is just too much for you right now. You keep yourself busy, try as hard as you can to focus on yourself,  but you always think... "what if?"... What if I stuck it out longer... Would things have changed? Would they have worked? Would I have changed, would he, or she? The truth, as sad as it is to admit... is  that as it may have worked... you would have known deep down that neither of you would have changed to be what the other wanted or needed, no matter how hard you made yourself believe they were what you thought you wanted and needed.
And I mean fully wanted and needed, and not just partially. The real truth is, is that we find something absolutely great and rare with few people in this world. We find something wholely right with even fewer of those, and if so - we are the lucky ones. We hold onto those parts of that person that we so madly love, no matter how destructive the rest of them can be to us. It isnt that the person is destructive as who they are - though, for some they may be and I hurt for you - it is that it is destructive to hold onto someone you love when you know that someone else could give them better and love them better. But it is our pride in the false knowledge that we are the best they will have that hold us and them back from the true happiness that each deserve. And for that, I will forever be sorry and can never make up for. I, as most of us, want to be the best for anyone - for everyone. But another truth, so hard to face, is that you cant and wont be. To the few you are perfect for, that is enough... And to come to the knowledge and at peace with that is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. 

These are the moments in life when you are gasping for breath while still living. As time passes, you will learn to breathe. you will begin to slowly regenerate the broken off pieces of yourself that once faded into ash. That is one of the beautiful things of this life... Regeneration and growth. It is something immeasurable by science and man and can only be felt on a personal, spiritual level.. even to those who have no faith in a diety or God.

What I am trying to say, is that that person who was torn and broken down will never be made whole again. You will never be complete after that. You wont be complete as that same person because you evolve as a completely new being. It is not something you miraculously witness in an instant. It is slow and can pass you by. It might sound as a cliche but that is why I love the myth of the phoenix. rebirth from the ashes. That is what mankind is after loss, tragedy, hurt. We have the ability to become phoenixes. Do not stay in the ashes in self pity and sorrow. Be what you were meant to be and become new again, for you will never be whole as you were.

If we can come to accept this too, that we are always meant to be changing, I believe that we can accomplish the one thing we are deeply afraid of reaching becuase most of us dont beleive it to be true. We can be truely and genuinely happy. We grow, we sustain, we fall apart, but we rebuild and rise again.

In all, I am trying to say that it has taken me 23 years to even begin to realize this. I am still working on becoming at peace with this. I am also sorry. I loved you so much and loved you with my whole self, but I found that I was still unable to give you everything. And for that I am sorry as I wish I could have. You are truely a remarkable person. You were my best friend. You have so much to offer and I wish I could have been the one to be on the receiving end for an eternity. But I am still facing that I am not her. And to whom you do find, I might secretly be jealous though I will have found the one to share my life with as well. It is human nature and is true what they say... "You will always 'have love' for your first love and never forget them". I couldnt forget if you if I tried. You taught me love and help me perfect it. through trial and error. and in return, I hope I did so as well.
You are beautiful, you are wonderful, And I will always miss you because you were once a part of me and were once what made me whole. I hope and pray that as time passes, you can think back on me and smile after the hurt has faded as much as it ever will and I will try always to do the same.

So with that, good-bye. This is the only way I know how to say it now, at this moment. I needed to get this off of my heart, get these words off of my tongue and lips. I know I have to always love myself to do the right thing, and with that I will always love what made me "me" and whole at parts of my life. So I will always love you as you made me who I am and I will be forever grateful to you.

We are Phoenixes and are meant to rise out of the ashes of our sorrow, pain, and loss. It's not the masterpiece that is beautiful, it is the transformation.


  In_from_the_storm_by_LutherBash

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Awkward Accounts From My Annual Check Up: Pt. 2 "An Ex's ex"

So remember when I wrote about my emabarassing account at my annual check up? Well... There's another story from this year's visit. So I go in to get my annual check up - Thank goodness all goes well a part from the awkward and persistent attempts to keep myself somewhat covered with the see through paper "gown" - until the very end. And then this happens

Doctor: Well you need to make sure that anyone you even kiss has not had contact of any kind with persons who could possibly be infected with even say cold sores.

Me: Crickets.... Well... I think I'm fine... really... The last person I dated, as well as me, was pretty selective in who they dated, let alone made out with.

Doctor:... Well just saying.. you don't have to have sex to get some of this stuff

Me:.... Ugh.. k thanks

For some reason, I was then mentally brought back to my epic "high school saga" where my first childhood boyfriend had broken up with his girlfriend and rekindled the flame with me. Ah it was bliss.... Until the on and off and on and off again reationship status began. Then ... I found out 3 days before prom that he was taking his ex instead of me and that he had kind of been flying under the radar with the both of us... I knew it was for realz when I had gotten strep throat the same week she did. I was never making out with another guy again! ("Ha! Ya right" my mom would say). I laugh now thinking about how much I hated her when really it was just stupid boy drama with "boys being boys".

Funny thing is, I rekindled the flame again in college with said boy and it was pretty much a repeat of highschool in the sense of me and other gal were both still a huge emotional part of his life. But I didnt get sick and she was dating another dude - so just emotional sickness instead of strep. In the end, she is a super nice girl, we havent always had the fondest opinion of one another in the past, but whatever... Shes nice, I'm nice and thats that.

So as I am leaving the doctor's office about to check out.. lo and behold, who do I run into for the first time in years???.... Yes.. said girl... the awkwardness and embarassment set in as I said hi and asked how she was. Next thing I know....

I Panicked .... and hugged her.....

Hugged her? She was probably like what the hell!?

Her: ugh.. I'm super late for my doctor apptmnt..
Me.... Ugh ya! um ok ugh bye! have fun!! (mentally thinking.... WHAT... the... hell.... did.. I... just...do...???)

So take it from me ... double check your doctors prior to getting in stirrups, and dont be a panic hugger.


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Monday, June 25, 2012

Awkward Accounts From My Annual Check-Up: A two day series of a short story

So every year when I have my annual "Lady" check up, I seem to walk away with an awkward/embarassing story. Let's set the quick backdrop. During college, I went to school in Idaho but got all my doctor's visits out of the way when I was in Atlanta while visiting home. Well, after getting back to Idaho after the summer, I got a call that I needed to go back to the lady doctor for a follow up test. Well great. I went ahead and found a doctor off campus just to be sure I wouldnt be running into anyone I knew.
I schedule and arrive at my appointment for 8 am, fill out my forms, awkwardly undress, try to master the half-paper oragami robe they give me and patiently wait for the doctor to show up while I incessantly check that all my lady parts are covered up.
Finally to doc arrives and begins his exam of checking and probing. The conversation begins like this:

Doc: So you're from Georgia huh? I actually just moved from there.
Me: Yup I am... And what a small world, what part did you move from?
Doc: Oh I lived in Lawrenceville... I raised my kids there until all of them were out of the house. My youngest is in college now.
Me: Oh nice, ya I love GA, I actually have family in Lawrenceville too.
Doc: Oh yah where abouts? I lived in Dacula...
Me: That's where my family is, thats funny... yah my family is the "Jenk..." trailing off because it starts to click.....
Doc: Oh Yah!! I know Rob and Bonnie very well!!

Then it hits me.... The sudden piece of knowledge of dread as I begin to put my feet into the ice cold stirrups and look to the ceiling for any type of comfort.

Me: .... thinking... "Dr. E..... Mr.E..." wait..... You're not Bennett's dad.... are you?.... (Please no, Please no)
Doc: ... Well yes I am!! Oh... Lindsay!!... How have you been?! How are Rob and Bonnie?

Yup... I had had a huge crush on his son in middle school, played at his house with his kids, and pretty much knew him since I was a kid.He is close friends with my extended family.

Me: Oh just great!... Clenching my teeth and counting down the seconds for this to be over.Seriously? I thought I did my due diligence in checking. Guess I was wrong.
Doc: Well I'll have to tell everyone I saw you
Me: No, that's really okay...

Finally it was over. I barely remember putting my clothes on. The next thing I know, I left before paying (Got a nice voicemail for that one), was in my car... and driving while saying... "Did that just happen?"

It was awful. I saw his son around campus on a daily basis after that encounter. Naturally. I didnt know how to even look at him. He probably thinks I'm an emo-recluse now. Well Good bye social life and reputation.


End Result:


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Just had to share my unfortunate event. And that was last year's tale ... Stay tuned tomorrow for this years!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

How It Should Be

You should be told that you are beautiful every day.
You should feel respected, be treated with respect, and know that he will never disrespect you.
You should be put first, and your opinion should always matter.
You should make him a better man, and he should want to truly be a better man for you.
You shouldn't have to lie to others to make yourself believe you are happy.
You should always be told the truth, and never be put into a position where you would question that.
You should always be able to be your complete self around him, and never walk on eggshells.
You should know that your goals, dreams, and hobbies are supported by him.
You should always feel like the most beautiful woman in the world to him.
You should never have to put up with name calling, belittling, games, or ever be ignored.
You should want to be with him because of not just how you feel, but he has become your best friend.
You should laugh until you cry, smile until your cheeks and abs hurt, and be able to breathe when youre around him.

This is how it should be.



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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Reality

So here's the deal. I lied... In Part.. Yes, I have been busy getting acquainted with my new position but I also have been dealing with a lot of hard things the past few months that have made me want to just escape and retreat. There have been so many thoughts and feelings stirring inside myself that I don't even know how to begin to verbalize. There are a lot of truths that i have had to come to terms with lately that were and still are hard for me to admit. Some have just shaken me and will need more time.

In time, I hope I will be able to share them with you. Put it out into the universe. My life and the truth that makes it. I guess, in part, it has been hard because I want so badly for someone to just ask to make it easier. But that's not how the truth always works. Sometimes the hardest part about the truth is just bringing it up because until spoken, it is just a lie that is secretly waiting beneath your skin to be made a truth.

 "A lie is just a twisted truth that goes untold for too long". 

I don't mean to be dramatic. I am not looking for sympathy, pity, or even a twinge of hurt on my behalf. I am not looking to strike curiosity, seek attention, or spark a support campaign. I just am looking to be honest with myself and put it out there before I retreat in the moments when the choice is given. Sometimes the choices occur with loved ones nearby. But more often than not, it comes when we actually have to take it into action. I have come to learn that Truth is also an action. It is a process.

There are good days, bad days, hard days, hard moments and painful ones. But it's just a bad or hard day. Not a bad life.

So please be patient with me. To those of you who still read and actively follow, or for those who just happened to stop by. I am SO incredibly grateful for you and hope you continue to let me know that you are still there. It helps me in my moments of weakness and loneliness. I am beginning the process to put everything out into the universe. And I stick to what I always say, that its easier to tell a complete stranger your deepest secrets than it is to tell those who know you best, though many of them read this. Thank you to all who do reach out, it has and will always mean more than you could ever imagine. I will get it all out, eventually...



Thursday, June 7, 2012

Hangout Fest 2012

So I believe I owe you guys some catch up time, as promised. A few weeks ago I had the amazing opportunity to go down to Gulf Shores for the weekend. What for you ask? 3 day -  Hangout Music Festival. Just think huge stages, on the beach, right on the ocean, and best of all... Live Music.

Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dispatch, Dave Matthews Band, Chris Cornell. Cage the Elephant, Coheed and Cambria, Switchfoot, Sound Tribe, Jack White, Skrillex, Kaskade, Flaming Lips, Alabama Shakes, and SO many others. Those were just my favorites. 

It was an incredible time. Music has always been a huge part of my life and to have this experience, on the beach, and with some of my favorite people was nothing less than amazing. Oh and.. I'm not pantless, I was in my bathing suit.

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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Rachel's Seniors

As some of you know, I have been slowly but surely trying to get into photography and learn as much as I can. Gettin there! Luckily for my family, this means free photography for them. These are just a few of my favorite pictures that came out of my little sister Rachel for her Senior portraits. Yes, she's gorgeous and yes, I'm jealous. Enjoy!


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Monday, June 4, 2012

MIA Apologies

Hello all you amazing people out there who are reading my long overdue update post. I am so sorry for my MIA-ness around these parts, life has just been a little too crazy lately and unfortunately, this little blog here took the backseat quietly for a bit. But I hope to announce that posting will soon be back on track as my schedule evens out.

So where did we leave off?
-Me being a stress case due to an upcoming layoff and having to find a new job
-Looking for a new place
-Semi singleness?

I am happy to announce that I did NOT get laid off and that one of the previous managers I worked for with my company brought me onto her project so BOOM - I have a job!! And an income. Hallelujah. What am I doing? I am doing program and finance analysis for CDC's Community Guide Program. So anyone out there in health care? Heard of Vital Signs, MMWRs, or CDC's published reviews? That is the program I am working with. Its pretty fun stuff.
I signed a renewal for my lease, so official city life will have to wait. And... I am not so semi-single. I met and am dating an incredible, incredible man who treats me better than I ever thought I deserved to be treated, makes me laugh 'til I cry, and is just an overall good person. Pretty lucky gal for the moment. Want to see his cute face? Okay.. I submit...

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I have SO much to catch yall up on and I cant wait for future posts to come to share all the awesomeness that been goin down around here. Until then, I am back, I have missed you, and hope I can get into yall's good graces again.
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